I don't look good in tenure.

I know that there are a couple people that read this and don't like when I use it like a journal to vent. So, if you are one of those people, now would be a good time to go your email or some other site because this is a venting entry.

At the end of the last school year, I was working .6 in one building and .2 in another. The SEC (Special Ed. Coordinator) for the building that I worked .6 in asked me if I would return if they only had the .6 for me for this year. I knew that the family was using the insurance through my work and I also knew that I wouldn't qualify for that insurance if I worked less than .8, so my answer at the time was no.

As a result, I sat all summer waiting for the phone call that never came. (Last year, I got a phone call in mid-August to come back, but instead of 1.0 (or full time), it would be at a .8 (or four days a week). My husband and I kept an eye on the website and we left town for Vegas for our end of summer vakay and when we came back, that school's posting was gone. I called and found out that they had filled the position. I was SOL.

So I browsed the website some more and found my current position. Well, not actually. I found some positions in early childhood and I thought that they might be right up my alley because I have an child that age and I might 'get it' now and be a good choice for those positions. But again, those positions had been filled, and thusly, I ended up with the position I have now.

Now, granted I do have a full time job, and granted I am making pretty much double the paychecks I was making last year at this time. But it doesn't make up for the fact that if I have a job in the district again next year, I start over in my probationary period (well, not really because I have already done two years), but in terms of working towards tenure, I would.

Then I started thinking, "Aside from job security, what do I need tenure for?" It's just causing me headaches and making me sad that I screwed myself over in the tenure department and knowing that I won't be tenured, if I cared to be, for at least another 4 years. I mean, I get paid the same either way.

And then I thought, "What if I didn't care if I never became tenured?" And for the first time in like a month, I felt totally calm. My headache subsided momentarily and I realized that tenure is just a word. It doesn't define me or my abilities. It just locks me into a position. And at this point, I don't honestly know if that's something I would want or not...

Post Script: But just for the record, that doesn't mean that I probably won't continue to worry about this...it was just interesting to have this thought today.