Naturally Defensive

I am, by nature, a defensive person. I don't know why this is. There has been no single event that I can recall that has led to this defensiveness. I think it is just something that has built up over time.

(For those of you who are regular readers, this is the explanation for why I was exhausted the other day.)

The other night, I was talking with an old friend online. And in that way that people get when they take a trip down memory lane, you begin to have a conversation that takes place entirely in the past with practically every sentence beginning with, "Remember the time..." Well, in talking with this friend, we remembered a lot of fun, old memories. But in our talking, there were a couple comments that made me realize that I am a defensive person.

We would be talking about high school and then my friend would compliment me and I don't do well with compliments. And my friend was very quick (and intelligent to do so) to point this out. We continued talking until almost 3 am and then we logged off. But for the next day or so, I couldn't help but remember the conversation and the fact that I don't take compliments well. It occurred to me that every time my husband says something like, "Your hair looks nice today." Instead of accepting the compliment, I will quickly reply, "Oh, so my hair doesn't look nice everyday." In this way, I have shifted the focus from the compliment itself to making his head spin because he thinks that he has insulted me. Therefore, I don't have to accept the compliment.

Maybe I have a hard time accepting compliments because I am my own worst critic. Isn't everyone their own worst critic? And one time I read somewhere that when someone compliments you like, "I really like that sweater." And you are quick to say something like, "Oh this old thing. I couldn't find anything I wanted to wear today so I threw this on." That defeats the purpose. It's like you are saying to the complimentor, that they compliment holds no merit to you.

Which brings up another point. When someone at work compliments me, I say thank you. Why can't I always do that? Well, with the people at school, I have nothing vested. Those people don't really care about me, they just like my sweater. It's a pure compliment. That's not to say that when a loved one or friend says something nice that it's not a pure compliment, it's just all in my perception.

And if you are not confused by this entry and want to try to give me your drive-by psychoanalysis, I would be more than happy to rebute it, I mean hear it.