Now, if you are a fan of the funny (or at least the attempts at being funny) entries that I try to write, you may want to skip this entry. This entry is going to be like a real journal entry where I vent to myself and try to sort some things out so I feel better. So, continue reading at your own risk.
It seems like lately my way of reacting to everything is either crying or being annoyed. Maybe even both. I can't imagine how my husband is able to put up with me anymore.
Last night I had the breakdown about how I feel like I am not a good mom because we were gone on Spring Break and then I was super busy last week and then he spent the weekend with his grandparents going to his 2nd cousins baptism, then when we came home and they got home and all that, he ended up staying at G and G's last night because I had to prepare for my presetation to Metro State tonight, and get up early and go to Kinko's to make copies.
I feel like he doesn't know I am his mom anymore. I miss him, and yet I still have to work and do stuff and I feel horrible for doing those things and not spending all my time with my little guy. I know that soon enough he will be too old to want to be around mommy and I will be really sad then.
Then, I feel like I have been a substandard wife as well. I don't cook. I don't clean. I don't do laundry. I pretty much suck in the wife department. Now, it's not to say that I don't know how to do these things. I used to live alone and did these things all the time, but ugh, not anymore. I don't know why I don't. I should. But Sonny wants to know where it says, in writing, that it is my job, as the wife, to do all those things. It' probably not written anywhere but I feel like it's my job. I hate that I can't work, be a mom and a good wife all at once. Speech Paths are very hard on themselves and anything less that perfection on their part is simply unexceptable.
Of course, what is it that I feel would help me to feel better? I don't even know. Probably perfection (as mentioned in the above paragraph). Sleep would help. I feel like I walk around in this perpetual state of exhaustion. That can't help.
I also feel horrible because I can't force myself to eat like every other woman in the world. I'm sorry that I don't want to eat a salad, an apple and a bottle of water for lunch. I hate that I should feel bad for liking food with flavor. I hate that food seems like it's my only friend outside of my husband, son, and in-laws here.
I have to stop this pity party or I will be in tears. If anyone has any suggestions on how to feel better, or to feel less like I am failing in every area, I am all ears. I just want to not feel so sad and tired. I want to feel less lonely and useless. And I want to feel calmer again, like I am doing a good job. But I don't want to have to take drugs to feel like I am doing alright.
Suggestions? Anyone? Hello?
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2 comments:
"We are all on drugs."
-Weezer.
I think (and I'm not even kidding) the push-bumper would help ease frustrations.
I'm not a mom or a wife, but I figure that this happens to all new moms and new wives and even to some old moms and old wives. Sonny's mom seems cool and she's right there - could you talk to her about it at all? Maybe she went through the same thing...?
I know exactly how you feel, Jennifer! I don't have any answers, but I have gone through the same frustrations many times. Summer vacations do help. Sometimes a good cry is helpful,but then sometimes that isn't enough. I just think we put too much pressure on ourselves and then feel guilty about it. Certainly just venting to others has got to help a little and if it is any consolation, with a little sleep--things will improve again!
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