9/11

I know that I am a week late to comment on 9/11, but I am going to do it anyway. And I want to add the disclaimer that I do not intent for what I want to say to be offensive or insensitive in any way, it's just my thoughts.

So the other night, I was watching a program on the History Channel entitled: "102 Minutes that Changed America". It showed the events of 9/11 from 9 different points of view from 10 different locations around the city on the day of those fateful events.

As I watched the program, there were several times when my eyes began to tear up. I remember that day. For me, and for several other people around my age, it was the first national tragedy that we had been alive for. Maybe that was why I was tearing up: because it was a national tragedy that I remember.

I mean, I remember exactly where I was sitting when Cathy (my student teacher supervisor) took the call from her husband. I remember the way she said, "Oh no!" And I think back to what a poignant moment that was. There I was, thinking that something sad had happened and, at that moment, not really knowing just how profoundly sad it really was. I mean, I thought it was something like an uncle or grandparent had passed away. It never crossed my mind that it would be anything like it turned out to be.

I remember thinking about how I (along with many others around the country) couldn't tear ourselves away from watching it one more time on the television and then not being able to turn away because maybe this time, it wouldn't collapse. I remember the sense of sadness that I felt every time that it did. It was denial.

So when I watched it on tv the other night, I remember experiencing those same emotions again. It was depressing. Like I mentioned, there were several times that I had to wipe the tears from my eyes.

But then I got mad. Why did they show this on tv? Granted, I did't have to watch it, but I did because I remember. I mean, watching it, I was just as sad as when it happened, and for what? My husband says that they show programs like that so that we don't forget.This didn't help my anger. I hadn't fogotten!

My over-analytical self kicked in at this moment because I thought about how sad I was for this tragedy and realized that it was not the sadest I had ever been in my life. I have been through some sad experiences before. The main one that comees to mind is the death of my sister. But (thankfully) no one recorded every moment of that occurrence so that I could pull it out and replay it on an annual basis. Why would I want to do that? Why would anyone want to relive a tragedy like that over and over again? So they don't forget? I don't think that you really can forget when there is a tragedy that affects you as an individual.

When Steph passed away, I remember so many different moments of the following week and all its surreal events. I remember how sad I was when it actually happened. I remember how sad I was when I had to call everyone to tell them what was going on, and how bad I felt that so many people were so happy to hear from me only to find out that it wasn't a social call. I remember how my aunt Mic dropped the phone when I told her. I remember getting up the following morning and having my dad tell me that he didn't know how he was going to make it through the next several days and that he would need my help. I remember not really crying for a couple days after that because I was trying to be strong for the family. I remember the exact moment when I finally did break down and bawl (Wednesday night). I remember the funeral. I remember the burial service at the cementary. I remember how sad the whole thing was. So why would I want to relive that annually? So I don't forget? I don't want to remember it all with crystal clarity.

So, I guess that's why I had mixed emotions about the program on 9/11. I understand that its intent may have been to make sure that we remember, but really, for those who are old enough to remember, did we really forget?