I'm just plain fed up with everything. I realized that as hard as I have been working this year, it hasn't been hard enough. I find myself thinking things like, "Sometimes I am having a bad day and need someone to process through with." It shows that I am working in a special education setting. It should show that I am vested, but I am sure no one cares.
I am at this point where I don't know what to do. I am tired of having to go through the whole rigamarole every spring with not being tenured and not getting to stay in an environment for more than 9 months. Maybe I have been looking at it all wrong. Maybe I should work with some little ones. I don't even know anymore.
I feel like I want a fresh start and that being old and having summers off isn't all it's cracked up to be. It only means that every nine months you have to worry about where the paychecks are going to come from after you get the last one in August. I don't want or need that.
But what do I 'want' to do? I can't even tell you. I don't even really know. Part of me is too lazy to attempt something else. Part of me thinks that I know what I am doing and that I shouldn't give up on what I went to school for. There are parts of my brain that scream, "hairdresser!" or "administrator" or "psychologist" but I wouldn't even know where to begin with any of them. How about I just win the lottery and then I don't have to worry about any of it? Fat chance.
I have an acquaintance here in the citites that says that God is looking out for me; that he wouldn't let anything happen to me and that he will make sure that I am okay. Well, if all of that is true, then why don't I know that?
That leads to my whole religion thing, but I will save that for another day. I should go and do a little bit of work because even though I am done, I still have 16.5 more days to care about.
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