Give, I can give, love and attention.

Last entry's song title: Black Eyed Dog by Nick Drake

I am ready for summer. I don't think I am the only one. The kids are out of control. Today the kids at Shannon Park were as bad as they were at the beginning of the year. It wasn't fun. It doesn't leave me with this longing to hurry back there on Monday. Oh well.

I should be working on packing up my classroom. I don't really feel like it right now. I don't really know that I will feel like it next week either but I won't really have an option. It will be fun to get all my stuff packed up again (ready with heavy sarcasm). I am so tired of being itinerant. Perhaps I should have chosen a different profession.

i have my eye appointment after school to see what is wrong with my eyes. I sure hope it's not that eye thing going around with the eye virus or whatever it is. However, I am looking forward to my eyes feeling better.

Better shut down and get ready to head out. I am ready for there to only be three more days at each school.

I'm growing old and I don't wanna know.

Last entry's song title: I'll Follow You Into The Dark by Death Cab for Cutie

I have so much to rant about, I don't even know where to begin.

Let me start with education. Oh boy. First of all, I have to laugh as I say this but I swear that education is the only profession in which you get your pink slip and then are expected to work an additional three months or so. They say they do it that way so that you have adequate time to find another position for the next year. I think it's so that they can see how much of a sucker you are. Which brings me to my next point, what a waste of time my job is right now.

At this point of the year, it's basically crowd control. Most of the kids have checked out for the year. Hardly any of them are still in a frame of mind to learn anything. And then, we have these meetings talking about stuff for next year. I don't care. Unless, by some miracle, the woman who is apparently taking this job next year, changes her mind, I am pretty sure I don't care what you plan for next year. That might sound bitchy but I am having a hell of a time getting myself out of bed to come to work. And why shouldn't I? I can't find a reason to make myself want to do well. I mean, yes, I don't want any bad letters of rec following me around, but all the letters have been written. I have applied to all the open positions I can find. Will I find anything out before the end of the year? Who knows? But it leaves me feeling hopeless and helpless. You gotta love education.

I didn't do anything for my Memorial Day weekend. I just stayed at home with Lukin while Sonny worked. We didn't go anywhere because Daddy had the car seat and I forgot to have him leave it at the house before he left for work every day. So I had a lot of time to think. I realized that I am closing in on 30 quickly. In fact, I have 4 months and 6 days until I leave my 20s. That sucks. If you watch tv, you realize all ads are aimed at women in their 20s. They don't have ads for how beautiful you can look at 30. I hate it. I don't know that I have the idea of turning 30 as much as the idea of turning 30 how life is now.

As I went through my 20s, there were plenty of things I would have liked to change. However, being that it was my 20s, it was all part of the gig. I wish I would have had the knowledge and wisdom that I have now, but just not the age.

I don't want this to be the way it is when I turn 30. Aside from the things I want to be different about the way I perceive the world, I also want to look different too. I don't want bad grown out gray perm action, and I don't want post-baby body. So, I better get to work on those things if I want to change them. I want my 30s to be fantastic, but I don't wanna blow it either.

If Heaven and Hell decide that they both are satisfied

Last entry's song title: It's the End of the World as We Know It by R.E.M.

Thank goodness it's Friday. Special thanks to Sonny for helping me out on my "project" last night. I am almost done but I needed a break. My shoulders and neck couldn't take any more hunching over, so I thought I would blog.

What a work day! I have been working on my "project" and now I am blogging. The classrooms that we visit during block 3 are on a field trip so my afternoon is free because block 4 is usually my prep on green days. So I am just filling time.

I need to make some bingo cards. I made the cards, but now I need to fill them out and make the little slips to draw. That ought to be fun. Yeah, right. I should get going on that so that I can keep myself busy for the rest of the day and not have anything undone when I go home. Maybe then I can go home and start working on my wedding album tonight. Ha!

Well, if you are in town this weekend and want to get together, give me a call. I will be here and will probably be bored.

Late Celebration

I forgot to make a big deal out of the fact that the last entry was my 100th entry. Whoopie! Too bad I couldn't make some bad ass graphics or something like Strong Bad whenever he gets another 100 emails. Oh well.

...er...whatever...

Listen to yourself churn (tricky one)

Last entry's song title: It's Not Over by Daughtry

That was almost a fitting song choice seeing as last night was the finale of American Idol. Hmmm...

So, Sonny and I were working on the secret project tonight. I think I might be able to finish it tomorrow because after lunch I usually have a block of speech and then a block of prep and the block of kids will be on a field trip so I will be able to (fingers crossed) get it done tomorrow at work.

Today, I was running around like a chicken with my head cut off. I didn't even get to work until 11:30 because I was out and about in the district trying to get to all the meetings I was needed at. It was only two meetings but they took nearly 4 hours. Wait. 7:30 to 11:30, yeah, that's four. It's been a long day.

This year is draining everyone. Maybe everyone's brain just stops functioning at this point in the year. But the kids are pretty much as equally distracted as the staff Nice.

My mouth is still sore from the dentist on Tuesday. In fact, I think it is more so now. I feel like I can't even open wide enough for a tuna sandwich (I know this to be true because that was supper.)

And if it's not really enough that my mouth hurts, I had to call the eye place because ever since we went to get our eyes checked at the beginning of the month, I have been having headaches from time to time when I try to shift focus too quickly. I have another appointment lined up to meet (for free) with the contact lens specialist. The lady on the phone thought that maybe my new contacts corrected my near-sightedness but not my astigmatism. I didn't even know I had astigmatism. Of course, what does that lady know? She hasn't even ever met me.

I told Sonny that I needed to stop having appointments because the one that I had each for vision and dental has turned into at least two for the month. Nice.

Try to do it right this time around.

Last entry's song title: Shackles by Vertical Horizon

If you have ever scrapbooked, you probably know what I am about to talk about. If not, work with me, it's a slow news day.

So I am doing this thing with materials from Archivers (I know that is cryptic but it will make sense to some of you soon enough), and I was on a roll last night but then I ran out of those little sticky dots. I had some sticky strips but I was almost out of them and then I had the tiny little strips that are for pictures and I don't know if they are what I want. I mean, they will do, but I kind of want to save them for the baby album, (whenever I get to that). So I think I better go and get some more. That's good because it is right beside the bank and I could use a $20. I hate not having any cash.

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that I went to the dentist yesterday. I wasn't afraid until I was in the chair, then I started to shake. I was freaking out. Dentist = pain. At least, when you have been to Dr. Mean for a few years, you know that Dentist = pain. Well, this place I go to now, it was hardly painful. The most pain was the two shots of novacaine, then I felt a little pain during the tooth grinding part, so then there was a third shot of novacaine. It was loud, but hardly painful. I was numb until at least 5 pm, and my apointment was at 1:20. It was weird. I get to go back in three weeks. That should be fun too. I won't be as nervous and I won't hesitate to have them turn it to the food network for me.

That's about all I know today. Ho-hum.

So tired now of paying my dues.

Last entry's song title: Satellite by Dave Matthews Band

Yesterday, I got this cryptic message from my aunt. She starts out by telling me that my grandma got her feelings hurt when she was here last weekend. Okay. I don't know what happened, and subsequent emails didn't get any information. My husband and I worry that she was upset because she had to sleep on the couch. Who knows?

What I don't get about the cryptic messages is that it started with Grandma's "alleged" hurt feelings and turned into this lecture about me being happy with the life I have. What the hell?

It would be different if I had an idea what this all stemmed from. But I don't. It just drives me nuts when people try to tell you what you are doing wrong in your life. No one is perfect, so no one should have that right. Well, except maybe psychriatrists and psycologists. But that's a whole other conversation right there.

Everything good needs replacing.

Last entry's song title: Steal My Sunshine by LEN (Amanda got that one)

I was driving back from Shannon Park today and I was thinking about my senior year of high school, particularly the last part of the high school, the part that would have happened eleven years ago this week. I was thinking about this because Dave Matthews came on the radio and I thought about how cool I thought I was with my Dave Matthews Band "Under the Table and Dreaming" and Alanis Morrissette "Jagged Little Pill" tapes. Yes, tapes. Who did I think I was? I doubt everyone had tapes, most probably were moving to CDs. Who cares? They didn't have friends who had an elephant squirt gun.

In other news...

This weekend, Lukin got to go to the park for the first time. We were at some of Sonny's friends and they wanted to let their kids go to the park so we went with them. We took and put Lukin in the baby swing for a few turns (he sorta giggled but then wanted out. He looked like a sack of potatoes all slumped up.) Then we took him down a curly slide, a double slide and a fast slide. I think he could sense mommy's fear of heights because he would fuss when he got to the top of the playground equipment.

I better go eat lunch. I don't really have lunch but I have some pretend lunch like stuff. That and I don't really have anything else important to say besides 12 days and counting.

L-A-T-E-R that week...

Last entry's song title: Headstrong by Trapt

Does anyone know what it means when an application wants to know your College Credentials separate from your transcripts? I don't even know what that means. I guess I just won't complete the application then. Why do school districts insist on making the application process so damned difficult?

I know, I know, I said I wasn't going to work in a school anymore, but my husband, being the big 'get-a-job' downer that he is (love you honey!) says that I have to work. Jerk. I am very jaded with the whole situation, still and don't care to fix it all that much. Although, my huband says he has some surprises for me if I get a job. Can't wait.

Well, I am tired. I know, I say that all the time, but now it's starting to make me crabby on a regular basis. It's not good. Better get myself to bed.

Your first impressions got to be your very best.

Last entry's song title: Sunflowers by Everclear

I am broadcasting to you live today from Panera (Pandora's Box for Amanda) in Apple Valley, MN. Being newly unemployed (for next year, that is) has afforded me the opportunity to use my sick days for appointments where I might only have had to previously leave work 20 minutes early instead of 4 hours. But don't get me started about the things that I feel are wrong with the Minnesota (and probably the rest of the country's) school system.

I say, "don't get me started" probably because I can do that myself. I have a little over 4 years (because Lukin won't wait until he is 6 to go to kindergarten...he's too damn smart) to figure out where Lukin is going to go to school. Chances are, I will have to not work and get my basic education degree so that I can stay at home and teach my child.

This all stems from yesterday and how pissed off I was when I had some stupid OT ask me if I liked my job. The OT herself is not stupid, just the fact that she asked me about my job when I didn't even know I wasn't going to have the opportunity to have it back next year. You see, our district has this stupid policy where all non-tenured (I believe they call it 'probationary status') teachers are non-renewed and therefore are unemployed as of the date of that letter. When all the tenured people get situated for the next year, then those who work in the district who are not tenured, can be offered the jobs that are remaining. They are often odds and ends jobs, which is how I ended up with three schools this year.

So anyway, the school district is shrinking, enrollment is down. Where are the people going? I don't know. I assume, and have had explained to me that the district in general is getting older and there no longer is the need for as much education staff. Well, pardon me if I think that is bullshit. Perhaps the number of students has gone down, but the needs of the students have gone up. I haven't heard of any of the schools in the district INcreasing their speech-language allotment for next year. It's not like the students who need speech are just disappearing. And it is certainly not that LD teachers can do what we do. So how are these students having their needs met? Short answer HAS to be that they aren't.

I know it's not the principal's fault. I know it's not the special ed director's fault. I know that it is the government's fault. How can there be things like, "No Child Left Behind" and then major cuts in Special Education funding? If you cut special ed funding, you are setting certain students up for failure. God forbid they cut programs like phy ed. "But the kids need to learn to exercise. Otherwise we are setting them up for a future of obesity." Possibly. However, if you cut special ed., you are setting them up for a future of welfare, because they don't know how to do things because there was no one to help them.

It makes me wonder. Is our country trying to move back to the state of institutuionalization? It has that aire to me.

My husband thinks that it's odd that teachers are not paid better. These are the people that help to shape the future of our country. We are 'molding the minds'. Granted, home plays a part, but sorry, home can't grant a degree.

So as of right now, I am employed for 15 more days. After that, who knows? All I know is that my husband keeps sending me opening in school districts around us, even the one I currently work for, and I am not interested. I don't even want to work in education anymore. I would rather go to the hospital setting. I could work less hours a week and still make more money a year than I do now. (Granted, I would work year 'round, but still). Or maybe I should go into one of the things I was talking about yesterday. I am sure there are downfalls (like the massive dive in annual salary) to any job but right now, any job has to beat the one I have, or I should say, had.

When you were a child, you were happy and free...

I'm just plain fed up with everything. I realized that as hard as I have been working this year, it hasn't been hard enough. I find myself thinking things like, "Sometimes I am having a bad day and need someone to process through with." It shows that I am working in a special education setting. It should show that I am vested, but I am sure no one cares.

I am at this point where I don't know what to do. I am tired of having to go through the whole rigamarole every spring with not being tenured and not getting to stay in an environment for more than 9 months. Maybe I have been looking at it all wrong. Maybe I should work with some little ones. I don't even know anymore.

I feel like I want a fresh start and that being old and having summers off isn't all it's cracked up to be. It only means that every nine months you have to worry about where the paychecks are going to come from after you get the last one in August. I don't want or need that.

But what do I 'want' to do? I can't even tell you. I don't even really know. Part of me is too lazy to attempt something else. Part of me thinks that I know what I am doing and that I shouldn't give up on what I went to school for. There are parts of my brain that scream, "hairdresser!" or "administrator" or "psychologist" but I wouldn't even know where to begin with any of them. How about I just win the lottery and then I don't have to worry about any of it? Fat chance.

I have an acquaintance here in the citites that says that God is looking out for me; that he wouldn't let anything happen to me and that he will make sure that I am okay. Well, if all of that is true, then why don't I know that?

That leads to my whole religion thing, but I will save that for another day. I should go and do a little bit of work because even though I am done, I still have 16.5 more days to care about.

Countdown to the big 0-1

Last entry's title song: The Way I Am by Eminem

*Hope you were smart enough to figure out that the title is about the birthday coming up and not a song lyric. Got it, Stacie?*

Last night we went to Party America and bought some things for Lukin's party: wrapping paper that says '1st Birthday', a 'one' candle, a banner, and a few other little things. It was kind of fun. We also went to Byerly's to order Lukin's birthday cake. We were going to order a cake from Cub but we stood there for like 5 to 10 minutes and no one helped us so we decided to go to Byerly's and order a cake. It will cost a little more (insert some comment about how they jack up prices to employ many people courtesy of Amanda's Dan).

There is so much to do before this weekend. And I am not even thinking about cleaning and getting ready for company. I am thinking of everything else, since Sonny has that covered. It will probably only get worse because this will be like the only year where we get to pick out the theme (or lack thereof) and from here on out, there will be whining and a fit thrown right there on the floor at Party America when we suggest Spongebob and he wants Go Diego Go. Can't wait.

I don't mean to be mean but that's all I can be is just me.

Last entry's song title: Breathe (2 AM) by Anna Nallick

**If you are easily offended, maybe you should skip today's entry.**

So, I am tired of a lot of things. I wanna vent about a couple of them today:

1. Single income households

2. Starving Children in Africa

The first one is an issue and I don't know if that is because I don't want to work and so I am jealous when other people don't have to. The thing that bugs me about those people is two-fold. One is that, if they have a college degree, then they are wasting it by sitting at home and not working. Just because Johnny Husband makes a buctillion dollars doesn't mean that you should let your mind rot. I think that if you have a degree you should work at least 8 hours a week in your trained area. The other reason I have to vent about these people, mostly women, is because they have this "Guess-who-I'm-better-than-because-I-don't-have-to-work?--You!-attitude". My only response to that goes back to the not working thing: "Guess-who's-not-gonna-sit-in-an-old-folks-home-all-senile-because-they-never-worked-their-brain?--Me!-attitude". Oh, and for the record, gossip is not mental work. I'm not a gossip person. At least I don't think I am. I don't care about it. But anyway. (The reason for this whole rant is the driving to Shannon Park thing everyday. I get so tired of non-working parents who think they are so great because we have chosen this lowly teaching existence. Jerks. Of course, this may all be in my head but I see them talking outside the school when I arrive at SP, and they sound like people I would hate.

The second one is probably more offensive to people. This whole rant started when American Idol decided to raise money for the poor people who live in Africa. Then they played these clips of the poverty in Africa and so on, and so on. Well, it's sad to look at but I am offended that we were exposed to an episode where we were asked to send money to help these poor, starving, children, and oh yeah, if you call now, we might send some of it to the children of our country. This is the thing that stopped me from contributing. I do care about the children who are starving and poor and lack the basic survival things that most of us take for granted. That's not a question. What I don't care for, is how the media tries to paint this really bleak picture of how bad it is elsewhere. I work in a school district, here in the US, where we have kids who come to school starving in the morning (maybe because they are just hungry in the morning, or maybe it's because they haven't eaten since lunch the day before). Why do we have to care so much about other countries impoverished peoples when our own country is full of those who could use a little help?

Is it because people are less tolerant of those people because our country has welfare and people may think it's their own fault that they can't provide for their family. "How do you not have enough to survive? This is America!" These people talk as if being from America is some magical thing. Like it's a fairy tale place where nothing bad could ever happen. It drives me nuts that people think that when I get to work with children who hoard everything you give them because they have been trained to do so because they don't know where the next thing to eat will come from. So tell me why I should send my money across the ocean to help people I will never meet. I would rather donate to the salvation army to help the people who need it in my area more.

I have to close with this thought. It's not mine, so I will share it anonymously. The thought was this: "There is a way to control poverty and starvation in Africa: it's called birth control." The person who said it commented that to say that would be too controversial because it cuts into basic human rights, blah, blah, blah. So? You know what cuts into basic human rights? When I want to watch a show to forget about the reality that I live in, and am forced to deal with the problems of a country that isn't mine.

There's a light at each end of this tunnel. You shout, cuz you're just as far in as you'll ever be out.

Last entry's song title: Float On by Modest Mouse

I just wrote this big entry (and lost it) about how mad I am about Sonny's behavior this past weekend. We went to Grand Forks and he acted like he did when he wasn't a father or husband, he got to hang out with his friend. That pisses me off because I went to Grand Forks and I got to hang out with my friend, but I also had to be a mom because one of us has to have the little guy in toe.

He tried to square it away by saying that he was spending time with his family on Saturday. So?!? I would answer my phone, or at least have it turned on, while I was hanging out with my friend or family.

Without having to go into a lot of detail, this probably doesn't make a lot of sense. I'll try to give the brief rundown. I had Lukin Friday night. He didn't decide to go to sleep until 2 am. We were sharing an air mattress so it wasn't like I could let him play himself to sleep. He was up at 8 am. I was rushed to get ready. This doesn't make sense because we got up at 8 am to meet my family around 11 or so because that's so long to get ready. But we were rushing. I would try to call my husband when I went to lunch, and I tried to call him later to arrange supper because my sister was coming to town but couldn't get a hold of him for four hours. I was so mad at him, I can't even handle it.

Then on the drive home from the airport last night, I asked Sonny about this coming weekend, only to find out that he works on Mother's Day. I teared up immediately. (It could have been my sheer exhaustion from the weekend, or the fact that he had previously said, "You're not my mother.") I was hurt by that. I know that I didn't give birth to him, but I did give birth to his son and he shouldn't say mean shit like that. I am still very hurt and sad about that.

It's almost fitting that my mood fits the icky weather outside. I just want to crawl back into bed and sleep.

I drove my car into a cop car the other day.

Last entry's lyric answer: Shimmer by Fuel

Today I was driving back from Shannon Park and I was listening to this CD that I made last year. It was called 'Thus Far 2'. It was the second CD in a compilation of all my favorite songs to that point in my life. Hence the name, "Thus Far". So anyway, it made me think about Annie because I was listening to part of a song that Annie likes. Then it made me think about the last entry and about all my former boyfriends and about how many of them knew who Annie is. I think that Greg (1), Peter, Reed, Greg (2), Craig, and Sonny all know who Annie is. I won't say more. I was going to make the song today's lyric, but I changed my mind. The song was "I Try" by Macy Gray.

I don't really know what to write about. I am tired. I got a lot of things done last night, and was able to get to bed before 10:30, but I am still exhausted when the alarm goes off in the morning. I don't get it.

I am going to the eye doctor tonight. That's good because I have been wearing this pair of contacts since the summer before I moved to the twin cities. Not that that is a long time, but it's been more than a year and I have been worried about what would happen if I tore a contact. After tonight, I won't have to wonder about that for awhile.

Then next week, I get to go to the dentist. Yippee. It's just the regular 6 month checkup, so it shouldn't be too bad. Although they are going to be all mad because I didn't get the crowns that they were talking about last time. Whoops.