Remember?

Today I was talking with an old friend and it got me to thinking about my ex-fiance. And all this time later, my memory is pretty fuzzy when it comes to thinking about that. Mostly I remember not so happy times. It didn't really feel oppressive at the time, but it really was. I'm glad that I got the chance to find out that I deserved more, and not be told what I deserved. But then I usually feel bad for thinking this way and remember the saying, "Just because someone doesn't love you the way that you want, doesn't mean that they don't love you with all that they have." That may be true. I don't really know. And I don't really care now. What I do know is that it wasn't enough for me.

My skin hurts

So last night was a difficult night. My head was pounding. I was cold. And, my stomach hurt. I couldn't really explain my stomach pain though. It wasn't the pain of eating too much for supper. It wasn't from not eating enough. It wasn't an "I have to use the bathroom" kind of pain either. But I noticed it when I stood up, and when I tried to lay flat on the couch.

The best I can explain is that if felt like my skin was literally stretching to make room for the baby. It hurt. It ached. But I didn't know how else to describe it, so that's the story I am going with.

Greatest Accomplishment

So today, this student and I were playing a game where you ask a question and let everyone have a chance to answer (okay it's more a social activity than an actual game, but I digress). The question that he pulled out was this: What is your greatest accomplishment? I had to think a few minutes, and even now, hours later, I am not sure what the 'correct' answer is.

I told him it was a tie between getting my Master's Degree (but I actually just said something about finishing college because I don't know a lot of middle schoolers who know what a Master's Degree is), and having my son. Some days, I think about how sad I am that this (academic) year has not gone the way I wanted from a professional standpoint, and I wonder what the point of getting my Master's was if I can't get and maintain a full time job in the area I want to live in. But every day, I also think about how much sadder I would be if I didn't have my family to go home to at the end of every day, and how glad I am that Sonny and Lukin are my family.

So, if by explaining that, it provides a clear winner, I don't know what it is. I am happy and proud to have my family but I am also happy and proud to be a working (even if temporarily) professional.

And we're off...well, almost.

So tomorrow night, Sonny and I will be heading to Deadwood, SD for President's Day weekend. This is something that my parents planned last year over President's Day weekend. The plan was to all get together and ski and go gambling and have a fun time together. As you might have guessed, I will not so much be skiing, but it will be fun nonetheless.

Ravenous

I don't mean to alienate anyone who reads my blog, but it may not make a whole lot of sense to those who have never been pregnant (or endured someone else's pregnancy).

For those of you keeping track, I am about half way through my pregnancy. I can't know exactly because they changed the expected date that I would deliver, but they didn't change my due date. I don't really get it either.

Anyway, so working has become this obstacle course. How do I get from breakfast to lunch without starving to death? Most mornings, I snack on one of the following: a banana, a granola bar, or two graham crackers. This staves off the hunger for a period of time, but unfortunately, not all the way to lunch. The bum deal is that the last hour before lunch is packed with students to see, and I feel bad if I snack in front of them.

So by lunch, I am so ravenously hungry that no one had better get between me and my food. And today was no exception. But I noticed that I made one terrible mistake today. I brought a Lean Cuisine. There's nothing wrong with them, per se, except for the fact that it is not enough food for a starving pregnant lady. So then, I get done with my lunch (the Lean Cuisine and a cheese stick) and ironically spend the rest of the day snacking when I don't have students. It's like I am trying to make up for the hunger in the am. Thankfully, this ends when I head home. I don't eat until dinner and only sometimes do I have a snack before bed (I would have to be able to stay awake) so that I make it to breakfast the next day.

Spaghetti Dinner and Carnival

So, right now I am working in this school that holds a spaghetti dinner and carnival every year to raise money for some of the retreats that the students go on every year. It just so happened to take place Thursday night and I was able to attend, with my husband, son, and in-laws in toe. And initially, I wasn't looking forward to it, but it turned out to be so much fun!!

I have to confess that the main reason that I didn't want to go to it was because I didn't want to have to work at it. I wanted to go with my family and leave when I wanted to, I didn't want to have to stay all night.

So we bought our tickets ahead of time for the spaghetti dinner. Then after eating two plates of spaghetti (it was all you could eat), then we wandered around the carnival. I stopped and bought 3 punch cards for Lukin (worth $3) so he could play games. That was probably the best $3 ever spent. He had fun. We all had fun watching him do the cookie walk, win his minnow race, 'fish' for candy, putt-putt golf (hilarious!! He picked up the ball after two failed attempts and just put it in the hole!), and go to the duck pond. It was fun.

We also bid on some stuff for the silent auction. I bid on like four different things: gift cards for Red Lobster, Dairy Queen, a lion backpack for Lukin, and a baby basket for the new baby. The only thing we won was the lion backpack. That's fine. It's super cute and I am going to give it him for V-day.

The next day (Friday), I told one of the coordinators that they had to email me next year so that we could attend again no matter where I worked. We truly did have that much fun!

"You're looking very pregnant today."

This quote came from a lady in one of my classes. She said this to me and I smiled. I think it was partly because I enjoy being pregnant (for the most part, I can't think of anyone who is all about throwing up though). I also think that I 'look' very pregnant today because I am wearing a new maternity top that my parents gave me for Christmas (that I hadn't worn yet). Most of my 'normal' clothes still fit (as long as they are long enough to cover my belly) and that is probably why I look more pregnant when I wear a maternity shirt. They are made to showcase that particular look (or so I think).

When I told this story at lunch, another lady asked me if that was a good thing to be told or not, and I told her it was. I would rather have someone think I look really pregnant instead of just looking extra fat today. All the women agreed. Besides, which would you rather be told: that you look very pregnant (if you were) or you look very fat?

P.S. Don't ask me why most of my normal clothes fit. I tend to buy clothes as big as I can because I don't like skin tight clothing. So the extra material is probably why they fit now. They may not by the end of the pregnancy, but I probably won't be wearing sweaters by then either.

Take me to the Pilot

Does anyone know this song? When I was in high school, you could buy this tape at McDonalds of one of 4 artists, and this song was on the tape for Elton John. I was listening to it on the way to work and was mesmerized by it. I know the song by heart, but sometimes I hear a song but don't really listen. Today, I was listening.

If you are unfamiliar with the song, it has nothing to do with flying anything. Actually, it has to do with meeting Jesus. It's such a strange concept to think about this man singing this song because when I think of Elton John, I don't think of an obviously spiritual man. But listening to the syncopated rhythm of the way he says, "Take Me to the Pilot" makes me feel like I am in some southern church listening to a fantastic choir sing the song and I feel happy. Strange, I know, but I tend to feel that way about some music.

Feeling like a bad parent

So this weekend, two different things happened that made me feel like I was a bad parent. I am sure that they are not really the end-all, be-all of bad parenting, but I felt bad, hence the self-labeling.

1. So, on Saturday, Lukin did not feel a nap was a necessity. I guess this could just be him growing out of that phase. I don't know. Anyway, we decide that we are going to go for Applebee's for supper because we have a gift card. Well, if you are a parent, you can probably guess where this story is leading already: Lukin fell asleep on the drive. Now that part doesn't make me feel like a bad parent, he does that all the time. That part (the bad parenting) is coming. So we go in, and he doesn't wake up. He is sitting on my lap and I am reading him the kid's menu trying to decide what to order, and he doesn't even stir. Finally, I just look at my menu and lay him down on the bench beside me, thinking that would wake him. It doesn't. We decide not to order him any meal, but if he awakens during the meal, we will order him a soup. Fair enough. But he didn't wake. At all. In fact, I had a hard time getting his jacket on him when it was time to leave because he was just limp.

Of course, when he got his coat on, he started to wake up and was not happy that he slept through the meal. He kept saying, "Eat. Eat," on the way home. And he did when we got home. He had three pieces of toast and then some popcorn with Mommy and Daddy while watching the Sioux hockey game.

2. The second one was at church Sunday morning. It was time for communion and I leaned over to ask Sonny what the age for communion was and he said there wasn't one. Well, Lukin wanted to go up with Mimi and Papa and I was pretty sure that they would cave if he wanted some so I wouldn't let him go up with the three of them. He sat in the pew with me. He had a pouty lip for like 20 seconds when they first left and then he came and sat with me, and was fine. I felt bad for him having the pouty lip, but not for not letting him have communion when he is only 2.